We had a fantastic lesson in Relief Society on Sunday and I just wanted to share a few of the thoughts that I had. Most of you know that James and I had an extremely rocky 2009. There were times where I know that I was a HORRIBLE person and I lost sight of the things that were truly important in my life. I began asking all those aweful questions like "why me?", "what did I do to deserve this?", "why do my kids have to be put through this?", "will it ever end?" "why don't you love me anymore?" I'm embarrassed to even admit it but those were just a few of the thoughts that I had. We went from living in a beautiful home, in a beautiful area that our whole family loved. We had a good job with benefits and stability for us all and then the rug was pulled from underneath us. We were all devastated. I had a hard time trying to explain to my kids why we had to move and why we didn't have a place of our own. It was not easy for them either. James was able to get a part time job but it didn't have benefits or anything else. Shouldn't complain...it's a step in the right direction. So, I tried to repent (A LOT!) and change my attitude but I was still having a hard time.
Time went on and I was still struggling, then we had an experience that made me stop and think a little (or a lot) about the fact that our Heavenly Father is perfectly aware and in control. We almost lost our dear little neice. It was a really hard week for everyone and I remember the start of the change I began to feel. As I rushed screaming kids downstairs for the other adults to work with her we were scared. I remember shaking and crying but realizing that I had 8 kids looking at ME to know what to do and how to deal with it all. The only thought that came to my mind was that we had to pray as much as we could and hope that it was the Lords will to let her make it. I remember gathering all the kids around me with tears in our eyes and praying, and praying. It was not an easy task but we somehow managed to get it out. Things didn't get better right away but I remember feeling very strongly that The Lord was aware of our situation with our neice and our situation as a family. Things still weren't easy but having that confirmation made it more possible for me to get through. Fortunately through miracles and the will of The Lord, our little neice is strong and healthy and made a full recovery.
At times I know that I have faultered with the strength of my testimony but I know that My Heavenly Father loves me. I know that things aren't always going to be easy in life, but if I put my faith in Him, and trust that as I live the commandments and strive to do all that I can, things will be ok. It may not always be the way I want them to but I know that they will be for the best. As hard as it was for me to leave Monterey, I feel like there have been reasons that we needed to be here. I feel very strongly that James and I needed to be here for our neice. I am grateful for a worthy husband who honors his priesthood because I know that he listened to the spirit and did all that he could to keep our neice alive. I will always be grateful for him and the way that he responded to that situation. He is such a good man and I love him with all my heart. I know that no matter where we go or what we do, if we stay close to our Heavenly Father and as a family, we will always be happy!
5 comments:
Thanks for the sweet testimony. I really needed that today. I think you are exaggerating though when you say you were horrible. You most definitely were not. Things were tough and you were stressed, but you have always been a wonderful person!
I appreciate your honesty. I struggle too. I guess it is just part of the learning process. Thanks for sharing your experience. You are great Erin and I always enjoyed being around you.
The crazy thing is we all go through moments like this! It's part of life and it stinks! :0) I think it is totally okay to have moments where you can break down and cry--I've been there. Then you have to stop and remember all you've been blessed with. Just like you've done. I read somewhere that Christ was an example to us that even a perfect person had to suffer and be persecuted, he is a reminder that bad things happen to good people, and it doesn't mean you are not loved any less. I have to remind myself these things. You have such a good attitude! Thanks for sharing! We all need to hang in there together! :0)
It's neat to hear how Jayne's experience blessed you as well. It was a miracle and I too am grateful for the outcome but especially the realization that the Lord loves us, is aware of our situation and will have us where we can best serve others. Thanks for your testimony and that sweet reminder.
I've experienced those feelings and I think it's part of a natural process we have to go through sometimes to test our own strength and testimony. It allows us to truly feel the blessings of the atonement and put our trust in God. Unfortunately it always seems that the Lord has to hit us with a spiritual 2 x 4 over the head to get us to see things clearly. I hope things are getting better for you guys. You deserve it!
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