Thursday, December 4, 2008
A little personal!
Well...I decided to do something a little different. I've been contemplating life a lot lately which I think comes with this time of year. I was getting packages ready to send for Christmas and so the girls were watching Camp Rock in my room so they could hang out with me. I love kids shows more than adult ones most of the time because there's nothing I have to worry about in them. Anyways...it was getting to the end of the show and Demi Lovato was singing her song "This is me" and I started crying. Pathetic...I know but I am a very emotional person. I started thinking and thinking and so many feelings overwhelmed me. I really feel like I'm a horrible person. I get really down on myself for a number of the things...my house isn't good enough...it's never clean enough or I don't have nice enough things in it. I'm fat and ugly and the harder I try the worse it seems to get. My in-laws don't like me because I'm not good enough. I'm not a good mother, wife, sister, friend, neighbor...person. These were the thoughts I was having (it's actually a life-long struggle for me). It was a tough day and night but when I got up this morning something changed. I thought back to a chat I had with a friend just yesterday morning and I hadn't talked to her since the night of my reception 10 years ago. We talked about not dwelling on the past and all our mistake but living in the present and looking forward to the future. She isn't a member of the church but we had a totally awesome time chatting about the good things in life. As I thought of that I realized that a lot of the stuff I freak out about just really doesn't matter. I'm not perfect and I have made a number of mistakes but as I ask The Lord for forgiveness and forgive myself and try to be a better person...that's all that matters. I have wonderful friends and an amazing family with a loving husband and 5 of the best kids in the world who all love me and that's what's most important. More importantly I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and he's not judging me the way that I'm judging myself. Sorry...I just felt like it was important for me to share this with you. Hope you don't think I'm a freak...I just like to learn important lessons sometimes and it seems like I keep re-doing this one over and over again...it's dejavu!!! All of you that read my blogs are totally awesome and I love you all! I hope you're having a wonderful holiday season!!!