Thursday, December 4, 2008

A little personal!

Well...I decided to do something a little different. I've been contemplating life a lot lately which I think comes with this time of year. I was getting packages ready to send for Christmas and so the girls were watching Camp Rock in my room so they could hang out with me. I love kids shows more than adult ones most of the time because there's nothing I have to worry about in them. was getting to the end of the show and Demi Lovato was singing her song "This is me" and I started crying. Pathetic...I know but I am a very emotional person. I started thinking and thinking and so many feelings overwhelmed me. I really feel like I'm a horrible person. I get really down on myself for a number of the house isn't good's never clean enough or I don't have nice enough things in it. I'm fat and ugly and the harder I try the worse it seems to get. My in-laws don't like me because I'm not good enough. I'm not a good mother, wife, sister, friend, neighbor...person. These were the thoughts I was having (it's actually a life-long struggle for me). It was a tough day and night but when I got up this morning something changed. I thought back to a chat I had with a friend just yesterday morning and I hadn't talked to her since the night of my reception 10 years ago. We talked about not dwelling on the past and all our mistake but living in the present and looking forward to the future. She isn't a member of the church but we had a totally awesome time chatting about the good things in life. As I thought of that I realized that a lot of the stuff I freak out about just really doesn't matter. I'm not perfect and I have made a number of mistakes but as I ask The Lord for forgiveness and forgive myself and try to be a better person...that's all that matters. I have wonderful friends and an amazing family with a loving husband and 5 of the best kids in the world who all love me and that's what's most important. More importantly I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and he's not judging me the way that I'm judging myself. Sorry...I just felt like it was important for me to share this with you. Hope you don't think I'm a freak...I just like to learn important lessons sometimes and it seems like I keep re-doing this one over and over's dejavu!!! All of you that read my blogs are totally awesome and I love you all! I hope you're having a wonderful holiday season!!!


Dasha said...

I think you are very brave for sharing that. I too have had those, "I'm not perfect/good enough" moments. At one point I thought I needed to be medicated to make me "better." Anyone who knows me knows how much I hate taking pills, so that's saying a lot. We are so blessed to know that Heavenly Father always loves us. I appreciate you saying that He's not judging us the way we judge ourselves. We all need to remember that. So, thank you very much for sharing something so personal.

Marcie said...

I think you are an awesome everything! Friend, mother, wife, daughter-in-law, sister, daughter, etc. I am guilty of being harder on myself than I should be too. But you're right, Heavenly Father loves us imperfections and all. That is all that should matter to anyone. You my dear, are seriously the most generous, kind person I have ever met. Thank you for being you!

Nicole said...

I'm hard on myself also. I actually understand and feel the same way sometimes. Just know that none of your friends are perfect, maybe I should speak for myself. My husband, family and friends love and accept me for me, as I'm sure it's the same for you. True friends don't judge and gossip. Who cares if you house isn't perfect. I learned quickly after I had my last baby to be grateful that the kids are fed, have clean clothes (even wrinkled) and are happy. I couldn't clean or do anything and my husband had a hard enough time keeping up with just the daily stuff. I wanted to help and clean so bad, but realized it would make my recovery longer and the "stuff" could wait until I felt better.
Now we set the timer for 5 min and the kids and I will pick up each room for 5 min them move to the next room for 5 min. We seem to get a lot done between the three of us. Hey but I only have two kids to help clean, you have 5, think of what you could accomplish... ;-)
You are such a good friend, wife, mommy, etc. Thanks for just being you and keeping it real.

Jardine Family said...

You said what most of us feel(at one time or another!!)

In Relief society the other day the instructor asked "How do you prioritize things?"
The only answer I could honestly give was that I have to re-prioritze things every day. Every day is a new challenge and it takes a constant effort to remember what things matter and what things dont!
I think we all need that "deja vu" remembering session once in a while! Thanks for sharing!

Just for the record, I think you're amazing. =)

Morgen Olson said...

Sometimes I forget that we all have times like this...I forget because everyone else seems to have it all together!:) I am serious though, every time I read your blog I leave it with the feeling of "wow" she is such a good mom and person. I haven't even seen you in like 9 years but I get that feeling from you...even just from reading your blog:)
I love ya!
don't be too hard on yourself, that's satan trying to make you feel that are awesome!!!

illogically logical said...

I think it's typical for us women to beat ourselves up. We are responsible for so much and have so many people depending on us that it is easy to feel like we're never good enough. I think you are beautiful and I love you and your family.

Ang said...

Wow, it's good for me to know that others go through that also. Sometimes you just have to let it all out. I'm so grateful for good friends who can remind us that we are loved and we can forgive ourselves. I have had to remind myself that those feelings wouldn't come from our Heavenly Father- Satan wants us to be down on ourselves. It's good to be humbled though and have to go to Him for help. I love you and I'm so glad I know you!!!

amberjill said...
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karlee said...

I always skip leaving comments on your posts because you have so many already! But this one struck me because I feel like this quite often. Because I skip class, I hate work, I apparently have all of these crazy ideas about saving animals and focusing on the more important things in life. Like writing, laughter, love, art, travel, religion, abolishing routine. I just need to OWN it though, you know? Just accept that there are people who will always call me lazy and crazy. Haha. So you've given me more courage. Thank you.